Pickles

I know I've ranted about this elsewhere, but it still makes me insane.

I don't like pickles.

I do, however, accept that my dislike of pickles is a result of my simply not having acquired a taste for them, and not because they are objects which deserve to be hated. In other words, I have no problem with the idea that other people could like pickles, or with the people who profess as much. If pickles were sentient life-forms I could probably sit and have a beer with them...or at least I might if I liked beer, which I don't. I'm just not about to eat them.

Now, the good people at McDonald's have an interesting way of preparing their world-famous cheeseburgers. The method must be the product of painstaking market research into what exactly consumers want on a cheeseburger, and exactly how much they want. Too much and it is pointlessly indistinguishable from one of the larger sandwiches, and too little makes it a White Castle turd. So they undoubtedly have just the right size patty, the right amount of cheese, the right amount of onions, and the right amount of...pickles.

At least, that's what I have to assume. That's what I have to hold faith in.

You see, the average McDonald's cheeseburger contains one (1) pickle. Not seven, not two, not zero, but one. Just one. It is a small slice of pickle, never more than an inch in diameter, as though there were special McDonald's-size pickles grown somewhere where they cross ordinary foodstuffs with cocktail weenies. It is always smack dab in the exact center of the burger, which is quite impressive considering all the other things that their chefs will often get wrong.

The inclusion of the lone pickle leads me to the logical conclusion that the majority of the restaurant's patrons enjoy the occurrence of the pickle; if this thesis were faulty, then very few explanations for the pickle's presence would exist. I, being one who does not care for pickles, am therefore in the minority. The fact that the pickle is included by default does not bother me in the least, for two reasons: a) I have the opportunity to request my order be devoid of pickles, which I do not exploit, because in practical experimentation the preparer is usually confused by extra directions and will either ignore my request and include the pickle anyway or commit some far more eggregious error; and b) I do not mind removing the pickle myself before beginning my meal, seeing as how there is only one to remove (though the meal itself consists of two cheeseburgers), and requesting its absence would force me to open the burger to check anyway, lest I bite trustingly into it and discover the Cracker Jack prize within.

But as I remove my pickle, I think to myself: if the pickle is there, then most people are comfortable with its being there. And if most people like it there, then most people must enjoy pickles in a general sense, to some degree. So if most people like pickles, then why is there only one on the burger? Why is the burger not covered in tiny little pickle slices? It's covered in little tiny onion specks. Market research must have shown people like or do not mind onions. But there isn't just one onion speck in the middle, there are tons spread out across the burger. So why include one measly, insignificant pickle? Why be so half-hearted about pickles? Either go all out with them, or don't put them on there at all. I don't want a pickle.

I just wanna ride on my motorsickle.




For EZers, I'll be on the HotSeat at Harry's board tomorrow.